stain brew and whatnot

Disappointment

2007-12-01T10:25:00.002-06:00

The only downside to being faithful is how it increases the potential for disappointment. Total belief in someone, something or anything is virtually to handing over your balls to that particular object of affection. So in the inevitable event of a fallout somewhere down the road, your future is dominantly crushed, inadvertently or not, by the very safe you hoped would shield them from all harm.

In my case, the safe was sealed shut by the horrible cold weather and therefore leaving my nuts in that cold steel safe to bask in subzero temperatures.

ok, so im just ranting on how i had to postpone my first ever skydive because of weather. In hindsight, i was expecting it to be cold. One coz i always planned to skydive on on of my birthdays, and its in november. And in Chicago, november means too cold to jump of a plane and further give that wind chill the advantage in terms of the battle between heat and cold.

but im pissed nonetheless. when i do get to jump, wether next weekend or in march, i will flip off the snow and the cold. i will swear at it till my spit dries up or starts dribbling up my face. (yes, up since i'll be falling real fast) and then ill do a 720 spin and do a flash kick to the air and shout THIS IS SPARTA!! (i dunno it just feels like it'll let out any pent up aggression)

but tilll then ill sulk. coz i was real excited about this. grrrrh.

Reinforcement

2007-11-27T23:55:00.000-06:00

It's so shitty when you know something is not right for you, but you WANT it so much that you have to force yourself not to do it.

However, in the act of forcing yourself not to do it, you are also indirectly reinforcing the fact that you DO want it and end up wanting it even more.

What's worse is that if something that's good for you is being affected directly by that bad thing in a way that you can only fully manifest the good thing if you are able to let go of the bad.

And of course i thought of this because its happening to me right now.

Girl K. I work with her. She's cute and hot in her own way. To me at least. I have a lot of things in common with her. We enjoy each other's company, however, she's currently unavailable. Bad thing: I like her. As in -more than friends which she won't allow to happen- like her.

Girl L. Hot chick. Had a class in summer with her. Hot chick. Other people say it more than i do.
For some reason is very fond of me and had grown even fonder over the course of spring, summer and fall. We are currently in what people would call the dating phase. Unofficially a girlfriend. The absolute opposite of me. Has every abused vice imaginable. But she's hot. Good thing: She is willing to change if i commit to her. and she's hot.

So me being the uncontrollable craphole that i am, decides to alienate self with K. She puts up a fuss but in her oh so perfect understanding way she agrees. Now we do not talk at all. Not even eye contact. And we work together. All this so I can focus my "feelings" on to L.

HOWEVER, it is not working. and it's all because of this Reinforcement. Every time i ignore K, and i ask myself why, the answer is not L. It is still K. I am stopping myself because I like her. If i didn't like her i wouldn't have to hold back. But it is pointless. She's loyal, one of her many endearing qualities. At least with L, i have a hot chick that digs me, and with a little work will become just as good. But i shouldn't compare.

BUT I SEE K EVERYDAY! And in the course of a workday it is impossible for eyes not to meet. And there was a time when she'd smile when that happened. If i had to spend more time in the office id die.

So what mindset do you take? How do you not reinforce the hopeless case? I'm not against being just friends, but i can't help it. A big part of me wants to be the royal ass and say "you're not married yet so i can still try to steal you away"

(deep sigh) hopefully letting it out here will relieve it a bit.

No it won't. It'll just reinforce it.

Frustration

2007-09-05T22:53:00.001-05:00

What is frustration, really?

A riff that continually plays in your head, but however hard you try, you cannot lay it out into notes. All that comes out is gibberish.

A stupid answer in a test that you thought you had aced. (and this aint just for academics)

The friggin check engine soon light on your car.

A gorgeous girl who takes the effort to talk to you after class, walks you to your car and gives you her phone number (hmm im now wondering why I didn't do that first) but when you call her she's always busy, she doesn't return text messages and that dinner you plan always gets postponed.

Hmmm so i guess frustration is basically caring enough for someone or something to worry about it, but at the same time be completely clueless on how to make things better with it.

Quick solution? try not to care at all? hmmm i think distracting yourself is way easier. in time, either the object of frustration will go away, or in the time spent being distracted you will learn or discover the solution to the frustrating problem.

So maybe i should learn some new scales and techniques so i can finally translate this mental tune into a rocking orchestration.

Maybe I should start double checking. triple even.

I still don't know what the fig is wrong with my engine. Maybe take it to a pro? hahah.

Crap. I still need some more distraction on the last one. Anyone can teach me a new scale?

Being alive

2007-08-22T20:20:00.000-05:00

What if being alive isn't all it's cracked up to be?

I picture all the things we so easily classify and most often look down upon as "nonliving". Next i wonder if being alive is really a higher form of existence than that of, say, a sedentary rock.

The rock is what it is. Wether it knows that it is or even just what it is unfathomable to us. It does not need any external or internal stimuli, reaction or anything whatsoever to be a rock. It just is. It has no needs, and does not destroy anything. It follows but its own consistent path, and it's "reaction" to anything applied to it will be nothing but a rock's reaction. In short, it is perfectly a rock.

We always say nobody is perfect. No human is. The rock is perfectly a rock. The sand is perfectly sand. The water is perfectly water. That is until man's tainted hands get a hold of them and disturb their perfection. How can it be perfect if it can be disturbed, you say? Because MAN is ANTI-PERFECT. any "living" being is anti perfect.

Any action by a "live" being (who else can do actions anyway?) disrupts everything around it. If some divine being created the universe as a perfect manifestation, then the creation of life is the start of the slow inevitable decay of perfection.

Maybe buddha really became a statue when he reached that utmost peak of existence. perfection. as gold(initially in a fat guy statue form, maybe). that someone probably melted and turned into something else. but still. gold, and forever will be gold. until some live thing discovers a way to ungold it.

do we attain perfection when we die? i'd like to believe so. that perfect peace. although how can an anti-perfect become perfect? maybe we don't maybe we just really disappear.

that sucks.

My Fable

2007-08-20T18:58:00.000-05:00

The easiest way to narrate something you'd rather not but need to get out of your system is to explain the event/s or situation/s in such a way that you will understand them but anyone else who listens to it will probably not (but most definitely could).

So I Begin.

There was a brown wolf that wandered far from the forest into the great cities of white and black trees. After finding his place in the city, he was able to meet up with other animals who came from their own distinctive forests. Together they realized they can create great sounds by utilizing instruments they were skillful with. Like Machines they started to function like clockwork working together to orchestrate the majestic, utterly brilliant manifestation of beauty through sound. Heaven, Hell and Purgatory only knows what the future holds for these band of auditory savants.

Why do physical traits have to be in the way? A beautiful red apple opens up to a coreful of squirming worms. The funky odor and the numerous thorns of a durian mask the savory goodness of what's inside. If only trying again was as easy with people as it is with fruits.

I'll hold your hand behind the other's back. Keep me close that i can hide behind you or you behind me. I know the other will always be there, trapped by the eternal bond. But still our bond is stronger. For maybe in truth it is I who am the other. And in truth, that which seems eternal is but persistently fleeting.

Blazing Wings. spicy rubber on bones.

Is success only a tool to brainwash everyone into doing the same shit over and over again through the course of existence?

Why does religion have the need for praise? I see faith and obedience as good qualities. But praise only builds upon the concept of superiority and inferiority. I am willing to be "good" in whatever sense of the word. But if i am not willing to set myself under others, i am also not willing to raise anyone else above me.

Nobody cares what is right and wrong anymore. Everything is just "moving forward"

I hate math.

I guess i'm not speaking in fables anymore but what the hell.

im out.

fingers burning

2006-10-18T18:54:00.000-05:00

My fingers are burning.

Burning from writing notes.

Burning from counting bills.

Burning from pressing frets.

Burning from drawing tons of lines.

Burning from typing this.

Bleh.

Six String Seraph

2006-01-10T07:07:00.000-06:00

i like this one. its an old drawing i colored in photoshop. using my new tablet!! :D hehehe. just wanted to show it off.

Me VS the cold

2005-12-21T02:27:00.000-06:00

Sometimes loneliness is less of not being with anyone else. Sometimes it's more of not being with those you would want to be with. And when you are lonely, you feel cold. So how do you fight that kind of cold?

and then there's the other cold

Last Sunday I went to meet up with a bunch of guys with whom i plan to form a band with. I took two buses to get there, going through a route which was fairly unkown to me. When we met, i found out we were a motley bunch. A drummer from Venezuela. Guitarist from the Philippines. A Bassist from Lafayette, and a canadian singer. Even if i had experience playing in bands before, this brought something new to me and i can honestly say that i enjoyed that jam in a way i haven't done in a long time. hopefully this will go on.

Anyway, we finished up at about 5 pm. It was already pitch dark outside, and the temperature had dropped ten degrees from what it was when we started. I boarded the bus and got off at the station. I don't know if it was the cold or just plain stupidity, but i boarded the wrong bus at the station. I ended up in some part of the city i didn't know, lugging around my guitar and my gadgets. All this while enduring the freezing temperature which had an ally in the unforgiving wind. You'd think that snow would be the coldest. Nu-uh. Cold wind is the coldest. Snow couldn't penetrate two layers of clothes and a thermal jacket. And although wind technically can't too, it cools up the things it hits much faster for some weird reason. I could stand around for hours in snow and still be warm but there i was twenty minutes walking around in the wind and i couldn't feel any part of my body exposed to the wind. those parts that weren't were shaking in desperation for some warmth. Maybe next time i'll wear a jacket under my jacket.

Winter isn't over yet, and this war is on. Me vs. the cold. So far it's cold two, me nil. Hope things get to my favor soon.

jeopardy

2005-12-15T20:40:00.001-06:00

So often it seems that my mind is racked by millions of questions that cannot seem to be answered. so i said, for a change, why not fill my mind with answers that seemingly cannot be questioned? (or would seem stupid to question)

Space.
Confalibertativation.
Between longitude and latitude.
Climbing an ocean.
Melt fire.
Love.
Battery powered battery charger.
A topless pit.
A ten ton pebble.
The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sickness.
Life.
Variable.
The difference between war and peace.
A nail.
One.
Yes.

wow. that really loosened up my mind. now i feel really really stupid.... in a good way. heheh...

today i lost a piece of me...

2005-12-13T23:57:00.000-06:00

literally.

i was rifling through a box and i didn't know there was a razor in there. it hit my finger and sliced off about two millimiters off of my fingertip. Small, yeah i know but shit did it bleed and it stings like hell. what's worse, its hard to bandage a fingertip, and i couldn't leave it open since it's spewing out my precious lifeblood.

thankfully there's this really useful thing called tape. although my badfingering digit on my right hand is currently the most sensitive part of my whole body. It shoots twenty CCs of pain into me everytime it hits something. Afterwards it just throbs until it hits something else. every chance i get, i thrust it into snow to numb it. hah.

i bought a graphic tablet at a discount store for $5. it costs 79 at the retail shop. well, ok it was used and it's pen was broken. but nothing an ECE major couldn't fix. now i have a working tablet, so im looking forward to more artworks, now computer enhanced.

oh, and i also bought a radio/cd player for 7.50. It worked fine, but the ECE major got carried away and tried connecting additional speakers, damaging the cd player in the process. So that's why ECEs have a board exam... Now im left with no additional speakers and no cd player. Oh well, can't win 'em all.

go and hitch a ride on the back of a butterfly

2005-12-12T17:35:00.000-06:00

there's no other way to fly..

"Get to me" By Train. While listening to its chorus i found myself imagining the lyrics occurring in real time. and then when the chorus was repeated, the singer became the voice of my current love interest. and she was singing it from miles away, and i had to get a ride on the passing butterflies.

Go on hitch a ride on the back
of a butterfly
There’s no better way to fly
To get to me
I look around at what I got
without you, it ain’t a lot
I got everything
With you, everything

I just love it when i fall asleep listening to a great song and it goes on to set the theme of my dreams. So when I woke up, i decided to think up songs which would make great dream themes for me.

"Everything" by Lifehouse - damn, that song goes through the subtle and the extreme of attraction, what imagery that could conjure up!

"Split Screen Sadness" by John Mayer - bitterness, regret, frustration, sadness... this song just brings up a dark and gloomy atmosphere that would be breeding grounds for glum and brooding dreams.

"My Girl" by The Temptations - The song just repeats aver and over, but in a dream, there are a million other ways on how you can feel just how much you are better because of THAT girl..

"Are you gonna go my way" by Lenny Kravitz - I see a dream where everyone thinks everything I do is COOL

"Nice and Slow" by Usher - if you don't get this, you must be asexual

"Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls - i just had to put this in here. i just had to.

well, from the top of my head those are the ones to get out first. i guess i'll load them on the player and cross my fingers before i sleep.

six inches of white frozen water/ crazy dreams

2005-12-08T22:00:00.000-06:00

its cold...

side note: the weirdest ever audition i had. I was supposedly going to try out for a band. They brought me to the studio, sat me down on a chair, and started to play music. After three songs, they asked me: "So how do you like it?"
It turns out they just want me to hear their music and if i liked it i was free to join. How weird is that? When i wasn't able to decide (hah! guess it got into my head) they set me up for a round 2.

anyway, there is at least four inches of snow outside, and weatherman says that it's gonna go up to six or seven. six inches.. if i trip, i could get buried in snow.. hmm..

sometimes what is already so good for you is still not enough for someone else - no, not sometimes, most of the time. And it's tough deciding: push up... or pull down?

recently my dreams have become so real, but at the same time extremely fantastic. I mean, i could really feel and see what happens clearly, but the events themselves are out-of-this-world impossible. Sick and demented.
for example, i was watching a basketball game from the front seats. Pistons versus Spurs in the finals. With the series tied at 3-3, there was only three seconds before the buzzer and pistons were down by 2 points. In a desperation effort, Rip Hamilton comes off a screen, shoots a 15 footer and gets fouled hard and hits the floor. He gets up and winces, but forces himself and makes the free throw to win the game. The team hoists Hamilton up on and they celebrate but when Rip raises his arms, his back suddenly snaps. And not the cartoon snap, it happened in a way that I would think it would happen. He suddenly faints, and his body slumps forward. His figure could be compared to a stack of coins with the top half tipped over halfway. You could see the spine bent in a sharp angle, and part of it is sticking out under the skin. I was going to get a closer look, but I woke up.

Makes me think. What if our reality is some other us's dream? what if everything that is happening to us, everything that we label REAL, is just something so impossible and fantastic to some dreamer. And when that dreamer stops dreaming of us, then that is the slow time of our deaths. Or that dreamer would dream that we die, and we die a sudden death.

Oh well, too much Sandman, i guess. hahah!

death embraces dream

2005-12-02T00:45:00.000-06:00

just an artwork. i thought i'd post it coz i like it. heheh.

i like the thought that when you die, you get to live in your dreams. and who doesn't want to live their dreams?

anyway, i have to get myself a tablet. it's hard editing and coloring these sketches by mouse. grrr...

rotted brew

2005-12-01T23:43:00.000-06:00

almost half a year of no blogging and everything that's been stuck up in my head is now just a decayed mass of blob. It takes a moment to drip out but when it starts pouring it doesn't stop.

A week ago: the weather report says its 10degrees outside. I walk out and its snowing. But i get by enough wearing a longsleeved shirt and a leather jacket. Couple of days later its 19 degrees and its drizzling. I actually go out wearing only a tshirt and a thick jacket.
The other day it was 25 degrees. I went out wearing a thick longsleeve over a shirt and a leather jacket. The sun was shining bright, and the wind was blowing, and i set out. One minute later i can't feel my ears anymore and i'm barely able to key open the door to my warm salvation.
Makes me real thankful that i have all those tiny droplets of water taking up a bit of cold even if they freeze from it. I'd like to think that they do it so i can be a bit warmer. Thanks, droplets.

Talking about snow, i wish i had a camera one night. I swear it was just the most beautiful thing seeing snow slowly fall under the dim light of a streetlamp. A kodak moment, if you will.

It's fun hanging out with young teenagers on the bus. I could swear they are so casual and friendly that youd think you were their next door neighbor. A roommate even! Makes me wonder what the hell is it in five years that makes them shut up and get snobbish. Hope some scientist finds a way to filter that out of humanity's system.

Im at the point where there are moments that i feel my guitar sings what i want it to sing. All that spiritual extension of the soul shit, thats what i'm going through. And now that i've got partial tastes of it, i'm wondering if it's possible to share that kind of connection with another person. Man, would that be great.

Life has no point till you give it one. Rock on.

why make things more complicated?

2005-05-24T01:46:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time, water was water. You could drink it. You could wash things with it. You can't stand on it.

It's molecules are 1 part oxygen 2 part hydrogen. And then I ask myself why did it have to get more complicated?

The more that a human being "understands" something, the more he makes something complex. Now, i ask myself: Is that how it's supposed to be? Is there no way to understand something by making it more simpler?

I guess that's why fables and parables are so popular. In simple words and simple stories, one would realize a multitude of ideas. No, noone would explain to you the workings and the math of how it works. It is so simple that you simply know what you need to know.

Man has this endless pursuit of knowledge. And i think that the reason it is endless is because the more you know, the more you need to understand.

But what if this pursuit of knowledge is just an illusion? Like two mirrors facing each other. If you try to look for then end of it, you'll never find it. But you never needed to. There were just two mirrors.

Wisdom or Knowledge? Well for me i choose wisdom. Wisdom gives you a better life. Knowledge ,although it can make you rich, ultimately only complicates life.
Both of them are endless, but i think one of them is just pointless.

first spill

2005-05-07T13:09:00.000-05:00

For the longest time, I was a firm believer in Darwin's theory of evolution. Survival is for those who are the fittest. But then the science of ethics comes into my life, and then it shatters my belief. Survival of the fittest? WTF!?!?

Survival of the fittest. Every man for himself. You scratch my back I stab yours. All is fair in love and war. Nothing personal, just business.

Interview with Hitler: Why do I kill? Because I can. I am the fittest, and only I will survive. Until a new alpha-male comes I will destroy whom I please.

Well, yeah, I suppose in Darwin's theory he wasn't really specifying humans, so i don't think he had the human lunacies in mind.

I recently watched the first "Matrix" movie and i came upon the more convincing theory of how man came to be. It comes from my favorite character in the movie, Agent Smith. Humans are viruses.

What an insult to viruses! Viruses only propagate and spread because that is all they are. (to my knowledge) If viruses could choose not to infect, would they still?

Human pride. Human ego. In the novel K-PAX, aliens refuse to disclose knowledge of light energy to the human race because they KNOW that they would only use it to destroy themselves. And when you think about it, how very true that is. All the knowledge and discoveries in the past millenium, however noble the causes of their discoverers or inventors, were in some way used to destroy life. That is just so screwed up. But then again, the one who kills with the scissors is "fitter" than the one who just cuts paper with them.

Survival of the fittest. What the screamin f*ck.